I have been thinking and rethinking about sharing a unique conversation I had with Ava a while back. I'm afraid I will forget or become a skeptic, and worse yet, start believing it never really happened the way I know it happened.
What she was saying to me finally stopped me dead in my tracks. I needed to listen to her. I needed to absorb what she was saying. I needed to know if she was confused. I needed to know if I was confused with what she was saying. I needed to sit on the steps with her and cry because she cried, and I was so overwhelmed with confusion and heartfelt belief.
We were having a day of work at our house. I needed to get some projects done and Ava was being a great helper. She disappeared at one point and came back down stairs with a funny look on her face. After getting her to admit she had been standing on her windowsill with the window open, we had a talk about how the fall could kill her...sorry, this instance called for the hard truth. I concluded by saying I wanted her around a little while longer and would appreciate it if she never did anything like that again. "I would miss you terrible!" She got it and moved on like only a toddler can.
She came back down with me and helped me hang photographs of our family. There was one particular photo she kept looking at and wouldn't take her eyes off. It was of my grandfather (my mom's dad). I asked her what she was looking so intently at, and she asked who he was. I explained, but she said, No, that's my daddy. No, that's not your daddy. That's your bisnonno (great grandfather). Nope. That's my first daddy...so, you know where this conversation went. I explained in more detail who he was, wondered if he looked like her daddy, she said nope, that's my first daddy when I was little, then I came here to be with my new daddy. "HUH!?"
No honey, you are confused. No mommy. Yes honey. This went on for about 5 minutes. Needless to say she was getting frustrated with me. I went about finishing hanging pictures until she sat down on the stairs. I looked at her and saw the sadness and tears cover her face. "Mommy, he was my first daddy and I miss him and I want to see him again!" I am not eloquent in my writing to fully describe the emotion I saw. It was an emotion only a mother known’s is true, and an emotion I have only seen her use with us.
I scooped her up into my arms and started crying with her. "Honey, I believe you, but are you sure you aren't missing Daddy. He will be home soon. "No MOM! I was with him (bisnonno) when I was a baby and then I grew up and was here with my new daddy. You were with him first, then I was with him, then I was here" Could a three year old REALLY be saying these things! I finally said through my tears (which were making Ava uncomfortable), "I believe you. My tears are of joy and excitement that you got to see him. What did you do with him? Did you talk to him?" Her matter of fact, heart stopping answer, "Nothing, we were in a brown house and he sang a lot." (in case you don't know, he was an opera singer).
To not sound like a crazy person, I can explain a few of her thoughts through rational events, but the emotion she had was authentic and genuine. I was shaken up and she was over it...like only a toddler can do. I turned on the TV. I needed to absorb what she said. The bible does say we are with God before we are here...was she really with Nonno at some point? She missed him, she really truly cried in sadness over him. We had listened to one of Nonno's CD's a couple weeks prior and only said once who was singing. No pictures. There you have it, she is thinking about that. That's where she got it, RIGHT!? Then I am back to the emotional break down she had. I can only explain that as a true feeling about an event that happened to her. Maybe in heaven, maybe in a dream. My human brain can rationalize almost all of it, except her crying over him. She doesn't know him! Also, did me telling her about dying, if she fell out the window, spark a memory for her? Either way, I believe her.
Why do I believe her? I had a dream when I was four about this same man. It was of his passing. It was a dream that stood out above all else. It was weird and I woke up confused. He did pass away the following morning. Could what she have experienced be a dream. What better place for such an event to occur then when we are asleep (my sister reminded me of this & her stand out dreams too). These dreams are different and real. Not everyone has experienced these dreams, but some have, and they are real and true. It gives us a connection to something else, which has always kept me a believer on my own spiritual level. OH GEESH, I could totally turn this into a religious/spiritual post, but that's not my point. I want Ava to remember this.
We have talked a couple times to her about this, and she sticks by her story. "It wasn't a dream, it was real." It never falters, and I will not ask again. Once they know something gives them attention, they start embellishing. :-)
It was an event in the days of our lives that still stands strong.
