108 year old stairs

This was a messy, but so worth it project.  Anyone who owns an older home knows it can be daunting and frustrating.  You just never know what you're going to find when you pull out carpet...or anything for that matter.  These stairs were so bad, but once I saw their beauty I had to put the nix on putting a runner.  Sand them, poly them, and bring them back to their original look.  We breathed in lots of dust and cleaned for three days after the crew left, but we are so happy.  This house is worth it.  I only wish my camera took better pictures.  (we have a front stair case and back stair case, or servants stairs...which I make my husband use-ha  just kidding)




  

Time to live

Being a women is hard.  We are sensitive to everything, our feelings get hurt more, we are begrudgingly insecure, we always try too hard to be perfect, and we are excellent worriers.  I am for sure all those things, and I believe my previous post was a reflection of me not wanting to be that way anymore.  My "funk" is over, and I am hopeful it was just a major bump in the road  to becoming a better person and someone my daughter can be proud of someday.  Thank you to everyone for the phone calls, the emails, the blog comments, and all the support while I came out of the fog.  It wasn't my original intention to rally such kindness from everyone, but thank you for it and thank you for not thinking I am some crazy person.  I was in a bad place, but feel I am in a very special place at the moment...even though there is still  a lot of work to tackle in the worry department.  I was born into a long line of worriers, so this may take awhile.  :-)  There is no better time then now to live life, enjoy every day, and tackle that battlefield of negativity.

Real life

I have been so uninspired lately.  I wish I could come out of my funk and get back to being me again.  I hate slumps like this.  I feel like a bad mom, bad wife, bad everything.  Yes I am whining, complaining, and just plain pissed off half the time lately.  PMS all month?  Maybe.  Worried about my heart problems?  Maybe. Reliving the day at night and remembering all the things that went wrong instead of went right?  Maybe.  Pessimistic.  For sure.  Bad mom?  Not all that bad, but need some improving in the play area.  Ava making a 3 year old transition that is turning her into someone else?  For sure.  Am I sad about that?  Yes.  Am I able to handle it?  Not yet.  I got mad one day and kicked something with my foot.  Now Ava has been acting out like that too.  I feel like shit about that and haven't gotten over it yet.  I love my family and I love my life and all the blessings I have been handed...blah, blah, blah.  I wish I could be more like that.  You see what I mean.  I am in a bad place.  I hope writing it down and coming back to read it will make me realize what a selfish, unhappy, brat I am. 

Ava put my rosary under my pillow and said it would give me good dreams.  Maybe I should be more like her.  I will sleep with it under my pillow tonight and hope for a miracle.  :-)

I found Ava thinking by the steps and asked her what was going on.  "Uummm, just a minute...",  "Me member your name!!!" , "CECCA".  hahahaha  "Well, yes.  That's what my family and special friends call me, but can you say my entire name"...

She's back and she wears some of Sam's gear...even though he said NO! (some of you know this "NO")

Influenza A

SUCKS, and I hope I never see it take over my toddler's body again.  It took her down and she didn't get back up for seven days.  We worried each day as she coughed up tons of phlegm, ran a fever for five days, moaned every time she moved, refused food and water, lost over two pounds, and struggled to even lift her head up for four days.  We were vigilant and helped her not end up in the hospital, but she came close.  She is up and running today and all her giggles, "me mad" 's, jumping, running, and bossiness are music to my ears.  The cough is still around, but no worries, I can handle that.   I feel so lucky Ava is generally healthy and we've never had to worry about her so much. 

Waking up at 4am this morning was a joyous event, she said she was hungry!  We sat together in bed, ate buttered toast, giggled at Dejan snoring, eventually fell back asleep, and slept in until 9am for the first time since college.  There is something about that moment, when you don't worry anymore, which allows the sleep to just come.  On top of that, Ava slept in until 10am...I got an entire hour to myself!

There was one moment this week that will forever be etched in my mind.  Day 5, of Ava feeling as bad as she could possibly feel, was laying on the couch and she just started crying. "What's the matter honey?", "Nothing.", "Are you sure?" , "Yeah", "Are you just tired of feeling sick?", "Yeah." (with tears rolling down her cheek). I picked her up and held her as tight as I could and gave her words of encouragement. If my heart could burst, it would have at that moment. We sat and cried quietly together. I took her to bed and as I watched deep sleep take over her body, she suddenly opened her eyes and said, "want SHREK music". I laughed at her and played 'Darlng I do' until she fell fast asleep. I love this girl more than I ever thought possible after first bringing her home. I am so thankful for that and enjoy each day that brings us closer, and yes, even the bad days.

The world continued on as we sat held up in the house.  Sad news around the world makes a person appreciate having clean food and water, plenty of medicine to nurse our children back to health, the ability to make a snack at 4am when our children are hungry, and the only aircraft's flying over head are passenger planes or joy riders.  Sometimes living in the Midwest makes me feel a little out of touch with the real world, but at this moment, I feel lucky to live where I do.

Soul Pancake

I usually don't give a hoot about what famous people say or believe, but I thought this excerpt from Soul Pancake was something worth sharing.  I smiled really big after reading it, and it made me feel a little like he was reading my mind.  The book is funny and an easy read for these long dreary days. Thanks to my good friend Joanna for a great x-mas present that I finally got to.

By and large, people don’t like to live in the realm of “not knowing.” It’s terrifying. Which is why everybody wants to have all the answers. Atheists think science has the answers. Religious fundamentalists believe their particular theology does. But “not knowing” is a richer and more gratifying place to be. I have no idea what’s going to happen to me, why the universe is the way it is, or what will happen to my life force once my body stops working. You probably don’t, either. So just breathe and live in the great, beautiful mystery. And floss regularly.


Rainn Wilson plays Dwight K. Schrute on NBC’s The Office.
He is also a cofounder of the website SoulPancake.com and a coauthor of Soul Pancake: Chew on Life’s Big Questions.