Tis the Season...

For a messy house, lots of errands, dirty kitchen from cooking and baking with a 2 year old, a closet full of wrapped (and some still unwrapped--gasp) presents, live Christmas tree pieces all over the place with no broken ornaments this year, for teaching Ava her first Christmas songs...she loves jingle bells, fun Christmas cards dropped in the mail slot everyday to Ava's delight, a little Christmas cheer mixed in with a little grumpiness all around. You all know you get a little grumpy at some point during the holiday season, so don't deny it, just be sure to get over it. Ava gets what Christmas is all about and has asked for three things. Not bad. Santa can take of that; dragon, two pink balls, and a super why shirt. I wish I was two again!

We came home from Thanksgiving and it just seems time has gotten away from me. I wish I could find more time to write about our daily lives, it really is quit amusing. Ava keeps talking, going potty without pull ups, stopped taking naps *sigh*, but does sleep 12 hours a night, loves to eat out and go places..."mommy, where go now?" She continues to make us laugh most days, but 2.5 has been H.A.R.D. She has had many milestones, so I am hopeful we have made it through the worst. My fingers won't come out of that crossed formation...my brain tells me to never let my guard down.

I wish everyone a safe and happy holiday season. I'm sure I won't be back until 2011, so love to all and I am looking forward to making my cranberry cocktail for my sisters.

This is going to be an unusual blog for me, but I may feel better after sharing, and then I might come back and delete it for fear of anyone knowing the real me. I'm not poignant or well spoken in my blogs, I just write what gibberish is going on in my mind. I was the last of three kids for crying out loud. They did all the talking for me and had all the ideas before I could come up with my own. :-) I love my sisters in spite of their bossiness. xo

Anyway, back to my own thoughts here. I will try to write what I'm wanting to get across...

I have discovered that my mind tends to lean towards the way of anxiety. I ended up in the ER not so long ago (and thankful for my friend Joanna, who loves me in spite of my crazy self) because of a major anxiety attack. I could have sworn I was going to drop dead right there and then...with a smirk from the ER Doctor and a prescription for xanax they released me and told me to chill out. I will defend myself a little here. After having Ava, my hormones raged and have caused my heart to start skipping a beat and giving me major heart palpitations (which were all happening that day and caused me to think my heart was going to stop) and became iron deficient. NOW that I understand what's going on, I can at least deal with these new sensations without prescription medicine. It also means drinking my glass of wine at the end of the day is no longer an option either (dammit--alcohol makes my heart skip and palpitate even more). So how does one deal with all this new anxiety raging inside my head?

I'm not a religious person, but the older I get the more I tend to feel the need for something spiritual, not religious, there is a major difference. I was brought up Catholic and still feel like a Catholic, but one who never goes to church or believes in a major part of what the church does (or any church for that matter). I LOVE Mass, but hate everything else that comes along with it. So, I just don't go. Right or wrong I am trying to find my way.

I borrowed a book from a friend called "Cold Tangerines", it's a book celebrating the extraordinary nature of everyday life. Who wouldn't want to read that after having a major anxiety attack. It's not quit what I expected, but have found some chapters that seem to put into words what I feel...you know, because I am incapable of doing that on my own. ha In one chapter about prayer, the author expresses that "prayer heals all the muscles that I've been clenching for a long time, while I'm holding it together, gritting my teeth, waiting for impact. Prayer, like yoga, like singing, brings soft from hard, pliant to brittle, possible from impossible, warm from cold, breath from breathless. And no matter what gets you there, it is better to be there than not." I hate to admit that paragraph spoke to me.

What I have found is that prayer, yes prayer (this is were I start reveling myself), is something that faithfully makes me feel better on so many levels. Not prayer in church, prayer late at night when I can't sleep from a mind wondering all over the place. I admit, I say I pray more than I do, like when people are sick, in the hospital, or when someone dies, I'm not really praying all the time. Sorry. BUT, I do do it when I find nothing else works. When I pray, my freaked out confused mind finds a place to chill and eventually sleep soundlessly. This means something to me.

Prayer by no means has been a cure, my anxiety is still there on occasion. My days have been out of control for about 3 weeks now (a certain 2.5 year old is hard work at the moment), but at night when my day comes to an end and I lay there thinking of all the things that went wrong (which is not everyday, but seem more frequent lately) and my heart starts palpitating, I close my eyes and say a few simple prayers that bring me peace.

Maybe some day I will come to an understading of life and what my purpose is, but like everyone else, I will live life, work hard, be nice, honest, and try to give back. It's the best I can do right now and I am happy that prayer plays a small part.

Fall has been loaded with parades and junkie candy..."mom, nother band"...marching bands are her favorite, then the John Deere tractors. She has yet to learn that she'll get to ride in the Oktoberfest parade with her Dad next year. She is going to freak. It's a two hour parade, but totally worth taking her to.

A fun evening in Blakesburg, IA took us to the Corn Carnival. The kids got to participate in a Kiddie Parade, with my sister and I shamelessly pulling Anna and Ava in a wagon. Ava rode her first carnie ride with my great friend's son (Logan had no problems using MY tickets to take a ride for himself and keep Ava company along the way-hehehe). Her son Max told me he would "never talk to me again if I didn't give him my last ticket", and Joanna and I had a good laugh later, about pushing the limit with our kids, and them all having a melt down by the time it got dark. My Dad seemed really happy to be at an 'old school' carnival. He smiled the entire time and my European mother endured with her cashmere wrap. I love my parent's!

Beautiful summer like temperature's have spoiled us. We spend a ton of time outdoors getting the last drops of sunshine and the leaves are filling up our yard...a pile lies at the bottom of the slide, fires in the pit, pink marshmallow goo all over, pumpkins are on the porch, Ava asks everyday if it's "Halloween yet?", and Sunday's are full of football on the TV. Ava says "me like football too".

Yesterday we made a trip to Autumn Acres in Oskaloosa, Ia. Breakfast at Smokey Row started us off right, then off to a morning full of fun. I love spending days like that with my family. We did the corn maze, took a hay rack ride, walked on top of bails of corn, Ava was adventurous and rode the train ride by herself (I was so proud of her), smelly goats, apple and corn sling shots, pumpkin painting, picking out pumpkins to carve, fresh apples and dip for a snack, this place has it all. We were exhausted but happy. Happy Autumn to all!

My own vent for the day.

Sometimes Mom's have really bad days, and today was that day for me. I feel bad for yelling at Ava twice, but some days I am so sick of a two year old ruling my every move. At least 1/2 an hour to get out of the house on any given day, battles over socks (which is really dumb now that I think about it), a few minutes to make myself presentable to the world results in an hour of cleanup later (she gets into everything), getting into the car is another battle (she never wants to get into the car the same way twice), toys, clothes, dishes, piles of paper & furniture seem to be strung out all over the place, stray cats, my own cat not using the litter box, my house a mess ALL the time, regular showers are iffy, workouts fit in as energy allows, battles over how much to allow her to do and how much to pull the chain on, my husband's silence after calling him and asking him to ask me how my day is going, ugh!

I can't even believe I am complaining about my sweet girl. She really is so good 99% of the time. My patience have just given up today.

I'm just missing myself right now and know I will make a come back some day. I had a nice couple hours out with some girls last night...maybe that's why I'm so grumpy today, I miss doing that. I miss being a women and not a mom.

I love you Ava with all my heart and can't imagine my life without you. Today was bad and tomorrow I will be a better Mommy. Tonight I will make you happy (and hopefully make myself feel better for yelling) and take you to the parade to see your favorite thing...a marching band.

A defining moment for all us mommies...

Ava last night as I was leaving her room, "oove (love) you" , "niiighht, niiighht".

Folly Beach, SC is probably one of my favorite places to go. I have a love affair with sandy beaches and sunshine, and Folly Beach gives me that and my southern family! It's been four years since we have been. FOUR YEARS!! What were we waiting for... the perfect timing. I couldn't have asked for a better way to end the summer (saying 'end of summer' makes me cringe, I won't be saying that again).

My husband is the travel planner, so I must first say thank you honey. You out did yourself this time!

A check of the weather, before our vacation begins, shows three hurricanes out in the Atlantic... what's the big deal?! We took off in our grandpa car, a Grand Marquis, without looking back. It really could have gone either way, so god bless our lucky stars hurricane EARL took a slight turn and headed just far enough north to not affect our stay. Ava was a perfect traveler (that girl didn't complain or cry once the entire time), the weather was perfect, the waves (and surfers) were amazing to watch for two days as EARL approached, being around Sudanos always makes me feel happy (mostly because it seems like we talk and laugh a lot), Charleston is still my wanna be home town, two nights without Ava made me a little sad but I really enjoyed my time alone with Dejan. There are so many stories from this trip, I could go on forever...

Ty spitting grits all over me after we starting laughing so hard, having to evacuate our condo at 7am (after going to bed at 1am) due to a fire alarm, Ava's new BFFs- two wooden birds and her real life BFF- Nick, walking the pier with Nick & Rosanna and Ava getting us all to "stomp and shake it", Mia showing us her new cheerleading chants that I am still cheering to this day, Zia Rosanna taking us to Monza and the fun car trip we had getting there (despite going down a road the wrong way), 3 hours on the beach, 1hour in the pool, eat, nap, over to Sudanos, the boat ride on our last night there, and the amazing brunch we all had together before leaving. I get teary eyed just thinking about it. This isn't even half of it, but a little peak into our 10 day trip will help spark other memories when I look back.

Thank you Sudanos! Thank you Folly! Thank you Charleston! Thank you Dejan and Ava! for all making this girl feel really happy and content about facing the upcoming winter months. It was a perfect way to end the summer! All the memories, pictures, and videos will keep me entertained for quit some time. I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!! TIAMO!

Ava may not have taken a nap today, but it's almost like my life is a piece of cake. She has been playing with her doll house for the last forty five minutes by herself. I'm bored, so I blog about nothing...she IS playing by herself, so this is actually a HUGE deal. Well, not really. She's always played for periods of time alone, but to hear her talking to herself and having her dolls acting out is just so exciting to watch. It's hard to not get involved, but I know how important it is for children to learn to not always be dependent on Mom and Dad. Her creativity is amazing to me and....now here she comes to show me some stuff she's been working on.

Looks like it's time to go pretend grocery shopping and cooking. Free time over.

Oh yeah, she knows how to open the back door by herself too! YIKES. I'm running off to lock the doors....